The Winner
Composer(s): Shel Silverstein
Performer(s): Bobby Bare



The hulk of a man with a beer in his hand looked like a drunk old fool
And I knew that if I hit him right, I could knock him off that stool
But everybody said, "Watch out, that's Tiger Man McCool
He's had a whole lot of fights, and he always come out the winner"

But I'd had myself about five too many, and I walked up tall and proud
I faced his back and I faced the fact that he'd never stooped or bowed
I said, "Tiger Man, you're a pussycat," and a hush fell on the crowd
I said, "Let's you and me go outside and see who's the winner"

Well, he gripped the bar with one big hairy hand and he braced against the wall
He slowly looked up from his beer, my god, that man was tall
He said, "Boy, I see you're a scrapper, so just before you fall
I'm gonna tell you just a little what a means to be a winner"

He said, "You see these bright white smilin' teeth, you know they ain't my own
Mine rolled away like Chiclets down a street in San Antone
But I left that person cursin', nursin' seven broken bones
And he only broke three of mine, and that make me a winner"

He said, "Behind this grin, I got a steel pin that holds my jaw in place
A trophy of my most successful motorcycle race
And every mornin' when I wake and touch this scar across my face
It reminds me of all I got by bein' a winner

Now my broken back was the dyin' act of handsome Harry Clay
That sticky Cincinnatti night I stole his wife away
But that woman, she gets uglier and meaner every day
But I got her, boy, and that's what makes me a winner

You gotta speak loud when you challenge me, son, 'cause it's hard for me to hear
With this twisted neck and these migraine pains and this cauliflower ear
'N' if it weren't for this glass eye of mine, I'd shed a happy tear
To think of all you'll get by bein' a winner

I got arthritic elbows, boy, I got dislocated knees
From pickin' fights with thunderstorms and chargin' into trees
And my nose's been broke so often, I might lose it if I sneeze
And, son, you say you still wanna be a winner?

My spine is short three vertebrae and my hip is screwed together
My ankles warn me every time there'll be a change in the weather
Guess I kicked too many asses, and when the kicks all get together
They sure can slow you down when you're a winner

My knuckles are so swollen I can hardly make a fist
Who would have thought old Charlie had a blade taped to his wrist
And my blind eye's where he cut me, and my good eye's where he missed
Yeah, you lose a couple of things when you're a winner

My head is just a bunch of clumps and lumps and bumps and scars
From chargin' broken bottles and buttin' crowded bars
And this hernia, well, it only proves a man can't lift a car
But you're expected to do it all when you're a winner

Got a steel plate inside my skull, underneath this store-bought hair
My pelvis is aluminum from takin' ladies' dares
And if you had a magnet, son, you could lift me off my chair
I'm a man of steel, but I'm rustin'....what a winner

I got a perforated ulcer, I got strictures and incisions
My prostate's barely holdin' up from those all-night collisions
And I'll have to fight two of you because of my double vision
You're lookin' sick, son....that ain't right for a winner

Winnin' that last stock-car race cost me my favorite toes
Winnin' that factory foreman's job, it browned and broke my nose
And these haemorrhoids come from winnin' all them goddamn rodeos
Sometimes it's a pain in the butt to be a winner

In the war, I got the Purple Heart, that's why my nerves are gone
And I ruined my liver in drinkin' contests, which I always won
And I should be retired now, rockin' on my lawn
But you losers keep comin' on, makin' me a winner

When I walk, you can hear my pelvis rattle, creak and crack
From my great Olympic hump-off with that nymphomaniac
After which I spent the next six weeks in traction on my back
While whe walked off smilin', leavin' me the winner

Now, as I kick in your family jewels, you'll notice my left leg drags
And this jacket's kinda padded up where my right shoulder sags
And there's a special part of me I keep in this paper bag
And I'll show it to you, if you want to see all of the winner

So I never play the violin and I seldom dance or ski
They say there never was a hero brave and strong as me
But when you're this year's hero, son, you're next year's used-to-be
And that's the facts of life....when you're a winner

Now, you remind me a lot of my younger days, with your knuckles clenchin' white
But, boy, I'm gonna sit right here and sip this beer all night
And if there's somethin' you gotta prove by winnin' some silly fight
Well, OK, I quit, I lose, son, you're the winner"

So I stumbled from that barroom not so tall and not so proud
And behind me I could hear the hoots of laughter from the crowd
But my eyes still see and my nose still works and my teeth are still in my mouth
And y'know, I guess that makes me a winner