BITCHES TO THE END Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end! The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walked into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friend s were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ' ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' ~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ '24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.' ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!' ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.' WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
After reading all of the above, I have a new personal rule, 'I WILL NO LONGER WORK DURING DRINKING HOURS.
Herbert en zijn blonde vrouw luisteren tijdens het ontbijt naar de radio en horen de regionale nieuwslezer zeggen : "Er wordt 8 tot 10 cm sneeuw verwacht vandaag. Wilt u uw auto aan de kant van de straat parkeren met de oneven nummers , dankan de sneeuwploeg er ongestoord langs rijden."
De vrouw van Herbert gaat naar buiten en zet haar auto op de aangegeven plaats. Een week later, weer tijdens het ontbijt, meldt de nieuwslezer op de radio "We verwachten vandaag 10 tot 12 cm sneeuw. Wilt u uw auto aan de kant van de straat parkeren met de even nummers zodat de sneeuwploeg er ongestoord door kan ?" De vrouw van Herbert gaat naar buiten en plaatst haar auto weer op de aangegeven plaats Weer een week later, weer tijdens het ontbijt zegt de nieuwslezer
"Wij verwachten 12 tot 14 centimeter sneeuw. Wilt u uw auto . . .
Op dat moment valt de stroom uit..................
De vrouw van Herbert is in alle staten en met een bezorgd gezicht vraagt zeaan haar man
Herbert"Schat, nu weet ik niet wat te doen. Aan welke kant van de straat moet ik nu deauto parkeren zodat de sneeuwploeg er ongestoord door kan???"
Waarop Herbert, met liefde en begrip in zijn stem antwoordt; (zoals alle mannen die met een blondje getrouwd zijn)
"Waarom laat je hem deze keer niet gewoon in de Garage staan ??
