An all day, all night, and all next day big storm on St. Patrick's Day - coming cross river from the Northeast - torn down the top part of our 170 ft. of steel seawall and chewed up about 30 ft. of land. 4 ft. in depth. It left a nice sandy beach for the grand children to play in. (protected from the deep river by what was left of the steel seawall.)
I called a local company to come fill in the big hole in our front yard - and they told me that I had to call the state offices to get a permit to dredge and fill in the hole. I thought this should be a simple matter, and that with some logical explanations of what had occurred I would receive permission to repair the land the storm had caused so much havoc.
Simple matter? Yes, to any rational thinking person, this procedure should be quite the rational one to follow - but to the pencil pushers in Lansing, this was a very complicated matter that needed much documentation and paperwork.
I called Lansing and finally got the right (?) person on the line. I explained my plight, about the storm and all, and about the steel seawall having had its top torn off and the resulting high wave action taking the land out 170 ft. wide by 30 feet to a depth of about 4 ft.
I had reached a very officious individual, drunk with power over this helpless little old lady with the big hole in the front of the yard.
I explained that I wanted to have a permit to dredge land out of the river to fill in the hole. He said: "How many cubic feet of land are you going to dredge?" I said, "Well, I don't know. I just want to fill up the hole that is there."
He said, "Lady (and I hate that salutation), you can't just take land out of the river without telling me how many cubic feet you are asking permission to dredge."
I said "What does it matter how many cubic feet are dredged, it is just to fill up the hole". And then he said what I was expecting: "Well, you have to pay for the land by the cubic foot that you want to take out of the river."
Aha, now I was on to the whole diabolical business. Permits - and money, too. I knew this was part of government boondoggling and no way was I going to win, but I thought I might as well get a little fun out of my go-around with this nincompoop. So, I started in with my "I don't understand routine".
I said, "You don't understand. I am not taking anything from the river. The river took this land from me without a permit and I just want it back." He said, "How much land are you wanting to take from the river?"
I said, "No, no - you're not understanding me. Now listen more carefully. I will go over the whole thing once more only more slowly, so you will understand. This was my land that the river took. I pay taxes on it, proving that it belongs to me. I just want the land back that the river took from me." He said, "Lady, you are going to have to tell me how much land you are going to take out of the river."
I said, "Now, I can see that you have not understood what I was telling you. I will go over it all again, but more slowly this time, so you will be more likely to understand. This is my land. I am not taking anything away from the river, as you seem to have miscomprehensions about. I have before pictures, and I will take after pictures for your benefit. I promise you that I will not take one more teaspoon of land than what the river took from me."
He said, quite exasperated by now, "You will have to have a permit and pay for the land." Again, I said " You are not listening, apparently. Or you're not understanding what I am saying. I will explain it again, but in simpler terms this time."
And he said: "never mind, Lady. I will send you the printed booklet explaining the whole procedure. You can then apply for your permit and send us a check for the cubic feet you are planning to take out of the river." And with that, he hung up. He was so agitated, I thought he was going to blow a gasket.
I ended up applying for, and getting the permit. Paying for the cubic feet of land which the river took from me without a permit and without reimbursing me.
But, I got some sadistic bit of enjoyment out of the exchange with the official.
