Getting Married Today
Composer(s): Stephen Sondheim
Performed by: Beth Howland; 
Julie; Madeline Kahn; Millicent Martin



Choirgirl:
Bless this day
Pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day

Paul:
Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever
Today is for Amy
My happily soon-to-be wife

Amy:
Pardon me, is everybody here? 
Because if everybody's here, I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding
I'd appreciate your going even more
I mean you must have lots of better things to do
and not a word of this to Paul
remember Paul, you know, the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not
because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is
Thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers
Thank you all
Now it's back to the showers
Don't tell Paul
But I'm not getting married today

Choirgirl:
Bless this day
Tragedy of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day

Amy:
Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for
a wedding, what's a wedding
it's a prehistoric ritual where everybody promises fidelity forever
which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of
which is followed by a honeymoon
where suddenly he'll realize he's saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should
Thanks a bunch
But I'm not getting married
Go have lunch
'Cause I'm not getting married
You've been grand
But I'm not getting married
Don't just stand there
I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul
But I'm not getting married today

Go, can't you go?
Why is nobody listening?
Goodbye
Go and cry
At another person's wake
If you're quick
For a kick
You could pick
Up a christening
But please
On my knees
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear
or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you
it isn't only Paul who may be ruining his life
you know we'll both of us be losing our identities
I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to see him Monday
but by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage
I'm not well
So I'm not getting married
You've been swell
But I'm not getting married
Clear the hall
'Cause I'm not getting married
Thank you all
But I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul
But I'm not getting married today

Choirgirl:
Bless this bride
Totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain

Paul/Amy: 
Today is for
Go, can't you go? 
Amy
Look, you know Amy
I adore you all, I give you
But why 
The rest of
Watch me die 
My life
Like Eliza on the ice? 
To cherish
Look, perhaps 
And to keep you
I'll collapse 
To honor you
In the apse 
Forever
Right before you all
Today is for Amy
So take 
My happily
Back the cake
Soon-to-be
Burn the shoes and boil the rice
Wife
Look, I didn't wanna have to 
My adorable
tell you, but I may be coming 
Wife
down with Hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint
so if you wanna see me faint, I'll do it happily
but wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral
so thank you for the
twenty-seven dinner plates
thirty-seven butter knives
forty-seven paperweights
fifty-seven candleholders

Paul:
One more thing

Amy:
I am not getting married!

Choir:
Amen!

Paul:
Softly said

Amy:
But I'm not getting married!

Choir:
Amen!

Paul:
With this ring

Amy:
Still I'm not getting married!

Choir:
Amen!

Paul:
I thee wed

Amy:
See, I'm not getting married!

Choir:
Amen!

Paul/Amy:
Let us pray 
Let us pray
That we are getting married 
That I'm not getting married
Today! Today!

Choir:
Amen!!!