A Dying Business
Composer(s): Fred Ebb - Norman Martin
Performer(s): The Chad Mitchell Trio



Funeral Directors of America, I am very deeply honored standing here
Receiving this token of your esteem, "The Funeral Director of the Year"
Now I've been asked by all the delegates--and members of the board
To tell you of the funeral that won me this award
It was handled with taste and dignity, that much I can say for it
And I'm sure it will take the family twenty years to pay for it!
It was a helluva fun'ral, It was a helluva fun'ral
The finest fun'ral ever booked
I had some high school juniors who passed around petunial
And lilies everywhere you looked
It was a helluva fun'ral, I say one helluva fun'ral
Oh, how I wish that you were there
I had ten drum majorettes doubling on the castanets
It really was a lively affair
It really was a lively affair
It was a helluva fun'ral, It was a helluva fun'ral
The national guard showed up for me
And during the oration, they went into formation
And formed the letters R.I.P.
It was a helluva fun'ral, I say one helluva fun'ral
I gave it all my loving care
The band was on its toes playing "Mexicali Rose"
It really was a lively affair
It really was a lively affair
A tisket a tasket, Tell us about the casket
Well, I'll tell you 'bout the casket, my good friends
It would-a made your poor eyes pop
It was sterling silver all around and a real formica top
(Formica top, it had a formica top)
Well, I'll tell you 'bout the widow, my good friends
The widow was in navy blue
With a gown designed by Balenciaga, I supplied that too
(He sold the widow widow's weeds too)
I held the first funeral raffle, though I don't much like to boast
And I gave away a Chevrolet to the person who cried the most
(He gave away a brand new Chevrolet)
I won it myself!
There were eighteen jugglers by the grave to demonstrate their art
And when they were done, I fired a gun to let the hoot-e-nanny start
(He fired a gun and the hoot-e-nanny begun)
I was serving beer and pretzels, 'til the hot pastrami came
And I sold some souvenir hankies with the dear departed's name
(He was sellin' hankies with the dear departed's name)
As a fitting finale we had the Rockettes from New York's Music Hall
As you can see, my very good friends
All in all, all in all
It was a helluva fun'ral, I say one helluva fun'ral
No other burial could compare
It was all done up deluxe 'n' I made forty thousand bucks
It really was a lively affair
It really was a swingin' affair