Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)
Composer(s): Benny Hill
Performer(s): Benny Hill



You could hear the hoof beats pound 
as they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round
And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number 22
They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week

They called him Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee) 
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

She said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart"
And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up his cart
He said, "D'you want it pasturize? 'Cause pasturize is best"
She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest"

That tickled old Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee) 
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head

She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said, "If you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night"
He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

One lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he lept down from his van hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse

Whose name was Trigger, (Triggerrrrrrrr)
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west

Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold top in his hand
He said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man"
"Oh why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied
"And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side"

Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun
But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned
And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand

Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart
And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die
And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned
And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land

But a woman's needs are many fold and soon she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate?

They won't forget Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west