Christmas Day In The Cookhouse Performer(s): Billy Bennett
'Twas Christmas Day in the cookhouse And the place was clean and tidy The soldiers were eating their pancakes... I'm a liar... that was Good Friday
In the oven a turkey was sizzling And to make it look posh, I suppose They fetched the Battalion Barber To shingle it's parson's nose!
Potatoes were cooked in their jackets And carrots in pants - how unique! A sheep's head was baked with the eyes in As it had to see them through the week
At one o'clock 'Dinner Up' sounded The sight made an old soldier blush They were dishing out Guinness for nothing And fifteen got killed in the rush!
A jazz band played in the mess-room A fine lot of messers it's true We told them to go and play Ludo And they all answered 'Fishcakes' to you!
In came the old Sergeant Major He'd walked all the way from his billet His toes were turned in, his chest was turned out With his head back in case he'd spill it
He wished all the troops 'Merry Xmas' Including the poor Orderly Man Some said 'Good Old Sergeant Major' But others said 'San Fairy Arm'
Then up spoke one ancient warrior His whiskers a nest for the sparrows The old man had first joined the army When the troops used to use bows and arrows
His grey eyes were flashing with anger He threw down his pudden' and cursed 'You dare to wish me a Happy New Year Well, just hear my story first
Ten years ago, as the crow flies I came here with my darling bride It was Christmas Day in the Waxworks So it must be the same outside
We asked for some food, we were starving You gave us pease pudden' and pork My poor wife went to the Infirmary With a pain in her Belle of New York
You're the man that stopped bacon from shrinking By making the cook fry with Lux And you wound up the cuckoo clock backwards And now it goes'oo' fore it'cucks'
So thank you, and bless you, and blow you You just take these curses from me May your wife give you nothing for dinner And then warm it up for your tea
Whatever you eat, may it always repeat Be it soup, fish, entree, or horse doovers May blue bottles and flies descend from the skies And use your bald head for manoeuvres
May the patent expire on your evening dress shoes May your Marcel waves all come uncurled May your flannel shirt shrink up the back of your neck And expose your deceit to the world
And now that I've told you my story I'll walk to the clink by the gate And as for your old Xmas Pudden' Stick that - on the next fellow's plate'
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