Why Can't The English?
Dutch & Spanish Titles:
Is Hier Nu Niemand; Por Qué No Pueden?
Composer(s): Alan Jay Lerner; Frederick Loewe
Performer(s): Rex Harrison;
and various other artists



Harrison: 
Look at her, a victim of the gutters
Condemned by every syllable she utters
By right she should be taken out and hung
For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue

(Meow!) Heavens, what a sound!
This is what the English population
Calls an elementary education

Bystander: 
Come sir, I think you've picked a poor example

Harrison: 
Did I?
Hear them down in Soho Square
Dropping "H's" everywhere
Speaking any way they like
You sir, did you go to school?

Bystander: 
Whatta tyke me for, a fool?

Harrison: 
No one taught him "take" instead of "tyke"
Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse
Hear a Cornishman converse
I'd rather hear a choir singing flat
Just like this one
(Garn!)
I ask you sir, what sort of word is that?

It's Au and Garn that keep her in her place      
Not her wretched clothes and dirty face
Why can't the English teach their children how to speak
This verbal class distinction by now should be antique
If you spoke sir, instead of the way you do
Why you might be selling flowers too

Bystander: 
I beg your pardon

Harrison: 
An Englishman's way of speaking absolutely classifies him
The moment he talks he makes some other Englishman despise him
One common language I'm afraid we'll never get
Oh why can't the English learn to set a good example 
to people who's English is painful to your ears?

The Scotch and the Irish leave you close to tears
There are even places where English completely disappears
Well, in America they haven't used it for years

Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
Norwegians learn Norwegian, the Greeks are taught their Greek
In France every Frenchman knows his language from A to Zed
The French don't care what they do, actually
As long as they pronounce properly
Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning
And Hebrews learn it backward which is absolutely frighening

If you use proper English you're regarded as a freak
Oh why can't the English, why can't the English learn to speak!