Big Noise From Winnetka
Composer(s): Ray Bauduc; Bob Crosby;
Bob Haggart; Gil Rodin
Performer(s): Bette Midler



[Harlettes:] 
This is the story of a young girl
who was the hippest chick in town
They call her Big Noise from Winettka
Miss Birdie's sure to get around
Big Noise flew in from Winnetka
stole each fellow's heart and then
Big Noise flew in from Winnetka
Big Noise flew right out again
Stop! Look! Listen! Here comes the Big Noise!
Stop! Look! Listen! Here comes the Big Noise!

[Bette:] 
I am the one they call the Big Noise
I'm looking fine and feeling sharp
I just flew in from Winnetka, don't you know?
I'm gonna blow this joint apart!

I got my high heels! I don't need no wheels!
My footwork is an art!
You know the joint is jumpin'
my heart is pumpin'
and this is just the start!
Whoa! I was a big noise from Winnetka
I'll be a big noise in your heart!
Whooooa!

[Harlettes:] 
Tempting when she's walkin'
tempting when she's talkin'!
Listen to her squakin'!
There she goes 'round again
up and then down again
in and then out, ooooh, bop!

"Hi! Welcome to another foul evening with the Divine Miss M!
"After many a summer dies the swan"
but not when their stuck in a turkey as big as this one!
Watch us as we scratch and claw out hour
upon the stage in yet another feeble-minded attempt
to turn chicken shit in to chicken salad
Make no mistake about it, eggs will be laid tonight!
Ain't that right girls? Oh, my girls
My three favorite schochkies on the breakfront of life
I'll never forget the first time I found these girls
selling their papayas on 42nd Street 
So flushed, so filthy
The astonishing verbal abuse they heaped upon me made me certain
we were destined to share the stage someday
Not only are my girls fine singers and dancers
not only are they gorgeous and talented
but they also think I'm god!
Ain't that right, girls?
They function as a greek chorus
These girls don't know shit about Euripides
but they know plenty about Trojans
Ladies and gentlemen, a rousing hand for the semi-classical
Harlettes! Laides!
Alright girls, sing 'em your siren song, go ahead
Turn them men into pigs 
Not the band, you idiots
Those, that bunch right over there in the front row
Not much of a challenge, huh?
This group is already well on its way to oink oink land
Oops, so sorry 
Once again behaving in a manner I had sworn to aschew
Thank you 
Once again falling into the vat of vulgarity
Oh tut tut 
I did so want to leave my sordid past behind and emerge
form this project beathed in a new and ennobling light
I wanted to come out and be the sweet, pure, honest
unadorned person that I really really am
I wanted to show you the good beneath the gaudy
the saint beneath all this paint, the sweet, pure
winsome little soul that lurks beneath this lurid exterior
But fortunately, just as I was about to rush down the path
to repectability and righteousness
a wee small voice called out to me in the night
and reminded me of the motto by which I've always tried to live my life
f*** 'em if they can't take a joke!"