Carmen Murdered Bizet
Performer(s): Spike Jones



Hello, music lovers, this is Spike Jones
inviting you to come with us to the opera house
for a City Slicker performance of the opera Carmen 
The conductor ascends the podium, stamps his foot for
attention - and from the basement he conducts the overture

As the curtain rises on act one 
we see the outside of the Seville bubble gum factory 
The happy bubble gum girls are singing

We're the girls, yes we're the girls
that make the best bubble gum
Chew our gum, you'll never stop
All day long you'll pop and pop
You'll blow and blow
Until at last you blow your top

Carmen enters 
She is a beautiful girl who weighs 300 pounds 
She is supposed to fill out the role of the soprano 
She not only fills it out, she overflows it 
Carmen sings of her new sweetheart, Escapillow the Toreador

I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful man
She's in love with a wonderful man
And his name is Escapillow
He has eyes, they're the cutest that I've ever seen
One is blue and the other is green
And the middle one is yellow

When you go out and dance, does he hold you near?
No, no, no!
Well, does he whisper words of love in your ear?
No, no, no!
Does he enjoy peachypooh?
Ah ah!
What does this toreador do?
All he likes to do is throw the bull

Does this toreador like to spark
When he's holding you close in the dark?
No, no, no! No, no, no! No, no, no! No, no, nooooooooo! (Heeew!)
All I know is all he likes to do is throw the bull
Throw the bull?
Throw the bull!

Carmen hits a note so high that she cracks the record (click) 
the record (click) the record (click) the record (click) 
the record (click) the record

And they're off for act two

Carmen sings the well known bravachi pizzicato poco allegro moderato
from the third movement of the andante allegretto

Aahhhhhh!
Exhausted she returns to her dressing room
While she is resting, the soldiers march into town 
We hear the band in the distance 
Don Schmosé is in command

I'm the famous Don Schmosé
Army life is good, I say
But, oh, how I hate to march
'Cause somebody soaked his shorts in starch
Now I'm gonna drill my men
Make them march from eight to ten
I'll make them march till they sweat
If we do, we're sure to get...

Don Schmosé sees Carmen for the first time 
She is crying 
The tears are running down her ears 
You see, her eyes are very far apart 
He feels sorry for her, and ask her to marry him, as he sings

As he sings

Ahem, I said: As He Sings

Now, You Bonehead!

Carmen, darling, please marry me
Oh, be my little bumble bee
You're the honey that'll sweeten our lives
Instead of children we'll both have hives
They'll both have hives
I can not marry you, my Don
'Cause I'm in love with another one
He fights the bull in the arena
I could do that if I ate Farina

Oh, no, you couldn't
Oh, yes, I could
Oh, no, you couldn't
Oh, yes, I could
Oh, no, you couldn't
Oh, yes, I could
Oh, no, you couldn't
Oh, yes, I could

The toreador's for me
Oh, no, that cannot be
The toreador's for meeeee
Oh, no, that cannot beeeee
The toreador's for me ........... I love him so
Oh, no, eeeev eeeev (cough)

She's right, Schmosé, the toreador's for her

The curtain goes up for act three

Aaaahhh

Oops, pulled it up too soon

Anyway, Carmen goes to the gypsy camp, to have her fortune told
The gypsy band finishes playing, and all the gypsies take off their earmuffs 
Carmen finds an old gypsy, and asks him to tell her fortune 
She wants to know, who she's going to marry, Don Schmosé or Escapillow

Oh, Gypsy, will you look and see
What future is in store for me
Give me your hand and keep it calm
and I will try and read your palm
This might sound odd and quite ridiculous
be careful with my palm, I'm ticklish
That does sound odd and quite ridiculous
Oh, yes, it's true, I'm very ticklish
I'm very very very very ticklish

I see by... Hahahahahaa
You soon will... Hahahahahaa
And you'll have... Hahahhahahaa
Or maybe even four or five

Then you will... Hahahahahaa
And he'll be... Hahahahahaa
Then what will... Hahahahahaa
It's really great to be alive

What did I... Heeheeheeheeheee
When will I... Heheheheheee
Or will he... Hahahahahaaa
You know something, you're ticklish, too

Hahaha Haa 
Hahahahahaa
Heeheehee Heeheee 
Hahahahahaa
Hehehe He he he 
Hahahahahaa
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa

Ha ha ha heeheeheeheeee
Ho ho ho teeheeheeheeee
Ha ha ha teeheeheeheeee
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa

Ha ha ha heeheeheeheeee
Ho hohohoho teeheeheeheeee
Hahahaha teeheeheeheeee
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa
Ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha hahaha ha

Act three ends 
Carmen exits to cure her hiccups, and the curtain comes down

Unfortunately it misses her

Carmen doesn't know which one to marry, Escapillow or Don Schmosé 
so she writes a letter on her typewriter to Escapillow the Toreador
telling him of her plan

Here's what I've decided to do
There'll be a bullfight between you two
The bullfight will start at four
You will be the toreador
Don Schmosé will dress up so
He'll be the bull you'll try to throw
With the winner I'll spend my life
The loser gets some other wife

The finale takes place in a bullfighting arena 
In one corner we have Escapillow the Toreador, weighing 240 pounds 
In the other corner Don Schmosé, dressed up as the bull, weighing 32 pounds

And there's the bell for the first round

There's Don Schmosé he's dressed up as the bull
Now Escapillow gives his tail a pull
Escapillow's scared of being gored
So he takes out his sword
He prances, swing and sway
At Don Schmosé
Who's getting pretty bored
Don Schmosé goes back to his dressing room 
He decides to double-cross Escapillow by sending in a real bull 
but Don Schmosé is nearsighted, and instead he sends in a cow

And there's the bell for round two

Escapillow drowns in the milk 
He dies a grade A death

Don Schmosé wins Carmen, and as the final curtain comes down 
they each put a piece of bubble gum in their mouths 
and we see them chewing their way off into the distance