If Momma Was Married
Composer(s): Jule Styne; Stephen Sondheim
Performer(s): Ethel Merman
and multiple other artists



Louise:
I wish Momma would marry a plain man so we could all be together... 
If Momma was married 
We'd live in a house 
As private as private can be 
Just Momma, three ducks, five canaries
A mouse, two monkeys, one father, six turtles 
And me... 
If Momma was married 

June:
If Momma was married 
I'd jump in the air 
And give all my toe shoes to you 
I'd get all those hair ribbons 
Out of my hair 
And once and for all 
I'd get Momma out too... 
If Momma was married 

Louise: 
You've done it before 

June:
Without much success! 

Both:
Momma, God speed and God bless 
We're not keeping score 
What's one more or less 
Oh, Momma, say: yes 
And waltz down the hall 
While you may 

Louise:
I'll gladly support you 
I'll even escort you... 

June: 
And I'd gladly give you away 

Both 
Oh, Momma, get married today! 

June:
If Momma was married there wouldn't be anymore
"Let me entertain you, let me make you smile! 
I would do some kicks!" 

Louise:
"I would do some tricks!" 

June:
Sing out, Louise! 

Louise:
Smile, baby! 
Momma, please take our advice 
We aren't The Lunts 

June:
I'm not Fanny Brice 

Both:
Momma, we'll buy you the rice 
If only this once 
You wouldn't think twice 
It could be so nice 
If Momma got married to stay 

Louise:
But Momma gets married 

June:
And... 

Louise:
Married 

June:
And ... 

Louise:
Married 

Both:
And never gets carried away 
Oh, Momma... 
Oh, Momma... 
Oh, Momma... 
Get married today!