If You Don't Want The Goods, Don't Maul 'Em
Composer(s): Cottrell
Performer(s): George Formby



Now here s a little motto song I'd like to sing to you
Some of them are very old and some of them are new
But here's one in particular, it's funny in it's way
I wonder what we'd think if we heard our ancestors say...

If you don't want the goods, don't maul 'em, don't maul 'em, don't maul 'em
If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you
"Are you going to marry my daughter sir?" said pa to Johnny Doleham
John said "No", so pa said "Go, if you don't want the goods, don't maul 'em"

Now we all learned our history when we were kids at school
We went there almost every day to learn the golden rule
King Solomon was a gay old boy, he was a lively spark
And this is what you might have heard while listening in the dark...

If you don't want the goods, don't maul 'em, don't maul 'em, don't maul 'em
King Solomon had six hundred wives and he always used to call 'em
'Till one of them turned to him, and said "If you don't want the goods, don't maul 'em"

Now Smith went to a doctor once who lived in Harley street
He said "My man, those gallstones they will drag you off your feet
Just come inside my hospital at once without delay"
He did and when they chloriformed him he was heard to say...

If you don't want the goods, don't maul 'em, don't maul em, don't maul 'em
They were just about to operate on his appendix, what do you call 'em
When he popped up his head and to the doctor said "If you don't want the goods, don't maul 'em

Now once I took my holidays and went across to France 
I hadn't been there since the war, so thought I'd take a chance
I strolled along a street that they call the Bois Boulogne
And when a French girl spoke to me I shouted out this song...

If you don't want the goods, don't maul 'em, don't maul em, don't maul 'em
Now while I was in Paris I stayed in a what do you call 'em
There were notices on every wall, if you don't want the goods, don't maul 'em

Napoleon said I love my troops and whatever may befall 'em
When Josephine stood up and said "If you don't want the goods, don't maul 'em!"