The Stately Homes Of England
Composer(s): Noël Coward
Performer(s): Noël Coward
and multiple other artists



Lord Elder, Lord Borrowmere, Lord Sickert and Lord Camp
With ev'ry virtue, with ev'ry grace
Are what avails the sceptred race

Here you see the four of us
And there are so many more of us
Eldest sons that must succeed
We know how Caesar conquer'd Gaul
And how to whack a cricket ball
Apart from this, our education
Lacks coordination
Tho' we're young and rather tentative
We're rip-re-presentative
Scions of a noble breed
We are the products of those homes serene and stately
Which only lately seems to have run to seed!

The stately homes of England how beautiful they stand
To prove the upper classes have still the upper hand
Tho' the fact they have to be rebuilt
And frequently mortgag'd to the hilt
Is inclin'd to take the gilt off the gingerbread
And certainly damps the fun
Of the eldest son
But still we won't be beaten
We'll scrimp and screw and save
The playing fields of Eton have made us frightfully brave
And tho' if the Van Dykes have to go
And we pawn the Bechstein grand
We'll stand by the stately homes of England

Have you seen the pick of us
You may be heartily sick of us
Still with sense we're all imbued
Our homes command extensive views
And with assistance from the Jews
We have been able to dispose of
Rows and rows and rows of
Gainsboroughs and Lawrences
Some sporting prints of Aunt Florences
Some of which we rather rude
Altho' we sometimes flaunt our family conventions
Our good intentions 
Mustn't be misconstrued

The stately homes of England we proudly represent
We only keep them up for Americans to rent
Tho' the pipes that supply the bathroom burst
And the lavat'ry makes you fear the worst
It was used by Charles the first (quite informally)
And later by George the fourth on a journey north
The state apartments keep their historical reknown
It's wiser not to sleep there in case they tumble down
But still if they ever catch on fire
Which with any luck they might
We'll fight for the stately homes of England

The stately homes of England tho' rather in the lurch
Provide a lot of chances for psychical research
There's a ghost of a crazy younger son
Who murder'd in thirteen fifty one
An extremely rowdy nun (who resented it)
And people who come to call
Meet her in the hall
The baby in the guest wing who crouches by the grate
Was wall'd up in the west wing in fourteen twenty eight
If anyone spots the Queen of Scots in a hand embroider'd shroud
We're proud of the stately homes of England