Your Horoscope For Today
Composer(s): Weird Al Yankovic
Performer(s): Weird Al Yankovic
Aquarius!
There's travel in your future when your tounge
freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing
Whack-a-mole 17 hours a day
Pisces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola Viruis
You are the true lord of the dance
No matter what those idiots at work say
Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless
when you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf
And give a hickey to Maryil Streep
Taurus!
You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict that tomorrow you'll wake up
do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again
by your explosive flatulance
Your love life will run into trouble
when your fiancie throws a javilin through your chest
Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend
the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
while taking your driving test
Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
and tape it to your bosses face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding
and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick
Virgo!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligence
Except for you!
Expect a big suprise today
when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconciveable
or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relitive position of the
planets and the stars could have
could a special deep significance
or meaning that exclusively applies to only you
But let me give you my assurance
that these forcasts and predictions
are all based on on solid scientific documented evidence
so you would have to be some kind of moron
not to realize that every single one
of them is absoultely true
Where was I?
Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner
for someone much more talented than you!
Laughter is the very best medicine
remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when
you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving
you low self esteem, you stupid freak
Saggitarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back
Kill Them....
Take down all the naked pictures of
Ernest Borgiene you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn!
The stars say you're a exciting and wonderful person
but you know they're lying
If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows
and never, never, never
never, never, leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
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