Any Old Iron
Composer(s): Charlie Collins - Terry Shepherd
Performer(s): Peter Sellers
and multiple other artists



Just a week or two ago my dear old Uncle Bill
He went and kicked the bucket and he left me in his will
So I went around the road to see my Auntie Jane
She said, "your Uncle Bill has left you a watch and chain"
So I put it on right across my derby kell
The sun was shining on it and it made me look a swell
I went out, strolling round about
A crowd of kiddies followed me and they began to shout

"Any old iron? Any old iron?
Any, any, any old iron?
You look neat. Talk about a treat!
You look so dapper from your napper to your feet
Dressed in style, brand-new tile
And your father's old green tie on
But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain
Old iron, old iron"

I won't forget the day I went to London on the spree
I saw the mayor of London there 
That's who I went to see
He came along in a carriage and a pair
I shouted, "come on, boys! All throw your hats up in the air"
Just then the mayor, he began to smile
Pointed to my face and said, "Lor Lummy, what a dial!"
Started Lord-a-mayoring, and then to my dismay
He pointed to my watch and chain and shouted to me 
"Hey Any old iron? ..."

I shan't forget the day I married Miss Elisa Brown
The way the people laughed at me, it made me feel a clown
I arrived in a carriage called a hack
When I suddenly discovered I'd my trousers front to back
So I walked down the aisle, dressed in style
The vicar took a look at me and then began to smile
The organ started playing 
The bells began to ring
The people started laughing and the choir began to sing
"Any old iron? ..."