Are You Being Served, Sir?
Performer(s): John Inman



(Grace Brothers - Men's Department)
(Mister Humphries - Are you free?)
I'm free!
(Forward please)

(Mind the doors - Oooopps!)
Are you being served, Sir?
I'm Humphries and I'm free
Are you being served, Sir?
What would you like to see?

If you'd like some swimming trunks
We've got them plain or spotty
We've also got some see-through
That really turn your....
(Beachwear!)
Oh, these again
There's plenty 'round the back
And if you'd like a bit of flash
Then try a plastic mac
(Oooopps!)

(Are you being served, Sir?)
I'm Humphries and I'm free
(Are you being served, Sir?)
What would you like to see?

(Going up!)
You'd like a suit, well suit yourself
Our three-piece is first class
I'll find one with tight trousers
That fit well 'round the....
(Kitchenwear!)
Oh, these'll do
I'll take them off the peg
Now hold your breath and brace yourself
Here comes the inside leg
(Oooopps!)

(Are you being served, Sir?)
I'm Humphries and I'm free
(Are you being served, Sir?)
There's no one here but me

Oh, where's me tape measure
I know, I left it in my Fair Isle drawers for safety
No one'd dare go in there
Not without my permission, anyway
Here we are
Hasn't it been a funny day for drying.... manners!

Your loose change, left or right
I must know for the cut
I'll measure you from your ankle
Right up to your....
(Menswear!)
I've one in tweed
Thank heavens, just your size
But first I'd like me hand back
It's trapped between your thighs
(Oooopps!)

(Are you being served, Sir?)
I'm Humphries and I'm free
(Are you being served, Sir?)
There's no one here but me

I'm sorry that this fitting room
Is rather dark and chilly
Just try these on and mind that zip
In case you catch your....
(Sportswear!)
Oh, goodness me
Look, someone's turned the key
And if we're trapped in here all night
I'm Humphries and I'm....
(Are you being served, Sir?)
(He's Humphries and he's free)
Got a kettle somewhere
We could have a nice cup of tea
(Are you being served, Sir?)
(What would you like to see?)
I could steam your hat for you
Your brim is a bit loose
(Are you being served, Sir?)
(He's Humphries and he's free)
I would shout for help
But I've got laryngitis
(Are you being served, Sir?)
(What would you like to see?)
(Are you being served, Sir?)
(He's Humphries and he's free)
Aren't you the umbrella and shoes
That came in last week
(Are you being served, Sir?)
(What would you like to see?) ...