That Is The End Of The News
Composer(s): Noel Coward
Performer(s): Joyce Grenfell



We are told very loudly and often
To lift up our hearts
We are told that good humour will soften
Fate's cruelest darts
So however bad our domestic troubles may be
We just shake with amusement and sing with glee

Heigho, Mum's had those pains again
Granny's in bed with her varicose veins again
Everyone's gay because dear cousin Florrie
Was run down on Saturday night by a lorry
We're so thrilled, Elsie's in trouble
That hernia she had has turned out to be double
When Albert fell down all
The steps of the Town Hall
He got three bad cuts and a bruise 

We're delighted
To be able to say
We're unable to pay
Off our debts
We're excited
Because Percy's got mange
And we've run up a bill at the vet's

Three cheers! Ernie's got boils again
Everything's covered in ointment and oils again
Now he's had seven
So God's in His heaven
And that is the end of the news

We are told that it's dismal and dreary
To air our despairs
We are told to be gallant and cheery
And banish our cares
So when fortune gives us a cup of hemlock to quaff
We just give a slight hiccup and laugh laugh laugh 

Heigho, everything's fearful
We do wish that Vi was a little more cheerful
The only result of her last operation
Has been gales of wind at the least provocation 
Now don't laugh, poor Mrs Mason
Was washing some smalls in the lavatory basin
When that old corroded
Gas-heater exploded
And blew her smack into the news 

We're in clover
Uncle George is in clink
For refusing to work for the war
Now it's over
Auntie Maud seems to think
He'll be far better placed than before

What fun -- dear little Sidney
Produced a spectacular stone in his kidney
He's had eleven
So God's in His heaven
And that is the end of the news 

Heigho, what a catastrophe
Grandfather's brain is beginning to atrophy
Last Sunday night after eating an apple
He made a rude noise in the Methodist chapel

Good egg! Dear little Doris
Has just been expelled for assaulting Miss Morris
Both of her sisters
Are covered in blisters
From standing about in the queues 

We've been done in
By that mortgage foreclosure
And Father went out on a blind
He got run in
For indecent exposure
And ever so heavily fined
Heigho hi-diddle-diddle

Aunt Isabel's shingles have met in the middle
She's buried in Devon
So God's in His heaven
And that is the end of the news