Biggest Aspidistra In The World Composer(s): Connor - Haines - Harper Performer(s): Gracie Fields
For years we had an aspidestra in a flower pot On the whatnot, near the hatstand, in the hall It didnt seem to grow till one day our brother Joe Had a notion that hed make it strong and tall So hes crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree And hes planted it against the garden wall
It shot up like a rocket till it nearly reached the sky Its the biggest aspidestra in the world We couldnt see the top of it, it got so bloomin high Its the biggest aspidestra in the world When fathers had a snoot-full at his pub The Bunch of Grapes He doesnt go all fighting-mad and getting into scrapes oh no Youll find him in his bare skin playing Tarzan of the Apes On the biggest aspidestra in the world
We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade So they put the water rates up half a crown The roots top up the drains, grow along the country lanes And they come up half a mile outside the town
Once we had an auditorium for a hothouse But a jealous rival went and burnt it down The tomcats and their sweethearts love to spend their evenings out Up the biggest aspidestra in the world They all begin meeowing when the buds begin to sprout From the biggest aspidestra in the world
The dogs all come around for miles a lovely sight to see They sniff around for hours and hours and wag their tails with glee So Ive had to put a notice up to say its not a tree Its the biggest aspidestra in the world
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