The Soldier's Almanac Bible And Prayer Book ((aka Deck Of Cards (Phil Harris) - 1948 
The Red Deck Of Cards (Red River Dave McEnery) - 1954; A Hillbilly's Deck Of Cards (Ferlin Husky) - 1966; Cards Spiritualised))
((Dutch Version: Het Spel Kaarten (Cowboy Gerard & De Rodeo Riders - 1965))
Composer(s): T. Texas Tyler



Richard Middleton, a soldier, attending divine service with the rest of the regiment at a church in Glasgow 
instead of pulling out a Bible, like his brother soldiers, to find the parson's text 
spread a pack of cards before him 
This singular behaviour did not long pass unnoticed
both by the clergyman and the sarjeant of the company to which he belonged 
The latter in particular requested him to put up the cards, and on his refusal 
conducted him after church before the Mayor
to whom he preferred a formal complaint of Richard's indecent behaviour during divine service
"Well soldier!" said the Mayor, "what excuse have you for this strange scandalous behaviour?" 
If you can make any apology, or assign any reason for it, it's well 
If you cannot, assure yourself that I will cause you, without delay, to be severely punished for it"
"Since your honour is so good," replied Richard, "I will inform you
I have been eight days on march, with a bare allowance of sixpence a day
which your honour will allow is hardly sufficient to maintain a man in meat, drink, washing 
and other necessaries that consequently he may want, without a Bible, Prayer Book, or any other good book"
On saying this, Richard drew out his pack of cards, and presenting one of the aces to the Mayor 
continued his address to the magistrate as follows

"When I see an Ace, may it please your honour, it reminds me that there is only one God 
And when I look upon a Two or a Three, the former puts me in mind of the Father and Son 
and the latter of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost 
A Four calls for remembrance the Four Evangelists, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John 
A Five, the five wise Virgins who were ordered to trim their lamps 
There were ten, indeed, but five, your worship may remember, were wise, and five were foolish 
A Six, that in six days God created heaven and earth 
A Seven, that on the seventh day he rested from all that he had made
An Eight, of the eight righteous persons preserved from the deluge
viz., Noah, and his wife, with his three sons and their wives 
A Nine, of the Nine lepers cleansed by our Saviour 
There were ten, but only one returned to offer his tribute of thanks 
And a Ten, of the ten commandments that God gave Moses, on Mount Sinai, on the two tablets of stone" 
He took the Knave and put it aside 
"When I see the Queen, it puts me in mind of the Queen of Sheba 
who came from the furthermost parts of the world to hear the wisdom of Solomon 
For she was as wise a woman as he a man, for she brought fifty boys and fifty girls 
all clothed in girls' apparel to shew before King Solomon, for him to test which were boys and which were girls 
But he could not until he called for water to wash themselves 
The girls washed up to their elbows, and the boys only up to the wrists of their hands, so King Solomon told by that 
And when I see the King, it puts me in mind of the great King of Heaven and Earth, which is God Almighty 
And likewise his Majesty King George the Fourth, to pray for him"
"Well," said the Mayor, "you have given a good description of all the cards except one, which is lacking"
"Which is that?" said the soldier
"The Knave," said the Mayor
"If your honour will not be angry with me," returned Richard, "I can give you the same satisfaction on that as any in the pack?"
"No," said the Mayor
"Well," returned the soldier, "the greatest knave that I know is the sarjeant who brought me before you"
"I don't know," replied the Mayor, "whether he be the greatest knave or no; but I am sure that he is the greatest fool"

The soldier then continued as follows 
"When I count the number of dots in a pack of cards, there are 365, so many days as there are in a year 
When I count how many cards are in a pack, I find there are 52, so many weeks are there in a year 
When I reckon how many tricks are won by a pack, I find there are 13, so many months are there in a year 
So that this pack of cards is both Bible, Almanac, and Prayer Book to me"

The Mayor called his servants, ordered them to entertain the soldier well, gave him a piece of money 
and said he was the cleverest fellow he ever heard in his life