The Waiter And The Porter And The Upstairs Maid
Composer(s): Johnny Mercer
Performer(s): Bing Crosby, Mary Martin, Jack Teagarden
and multiple other artists



(BC)
As your genial host may I offer a toast
To the wine buying guest on my right
(Hooray for the wine buyer)
Yes drag out the cooking sherry for the old colonel
May his bank account grow heavy laden with dough
May he spend it in here every night
(Every night)
Seeing this night in its glory
You people so loyal, so true
Puts me in mind of a story

(MM)
Tell us about it, pray do-o-o-o-o-o

(BC)
The people in the ballroom were stuffy and arty
So I began to get just a little bit frayed
I sneaked into the kitchen, I dug me a party
The waiter

(JT)
And the porter

(MM)
And the second storey maid.

(BC)
I peeked into the parlour to see what was a-hatchin’
In time to hear the hostess suggest a charade

(MM)
But who was in the pantry a-laughin’ an’ scratchin’

(BC)
Oh.The waiter

(JT)
And the porter

(MM)
And the upstairs maid

(JT)
When they heard the music that the orchestra played

(MM)
The waiter and the porter grabbed a-hold of the maid

(BC)
Then they all proceeded to go into a clog

(All)
Hot diggedy dog.

(BC)
If ever I’m invited to some fuddy-duddy’s
I ain’t-a-gonna watch any harlequinade

(JT)
You’ll find him in the kitchen applaudin’ his buddies

(BC)
The waiter

(JT)
And the porter

(MM)
And the upstairs maid

(BC)
Well pardon me folks the roast is carved
The wine is served, why you look half starved

(JT)
Pardon me sir, may we be free

(JT & MM)
The kitchen guard is havin’ a jamboree

(MM)
I went and got a dish pan to use as a cymbal

(BC)
The porter found the regular glass that he played

(JT)
The fingers of the waiter were each in a thimble

(ALL)
You should-a heard the music that the combination made

(BC & MM)
Marchin’ through the kitchen to the pantry and back
Why, man, you should-a seen us, we were ballin’ the jack
Once a half an hour passed without any call

(JT)
Jack we had a ball

(MM)
The waltzes and mazurkas we hate ‘em, we spurn ‘em

(JT)
We got a lot of rhythms we wanna hear played

(BC)
Yes and we know who to go to when we want to learn ‘em

(All)
The waiter and the porter and the upstairs maid