Sittin' Up With The Dead
Composer(s): C.W. Kalb Jr.
Performer(s): Ray Stevens



Well out in the country, we didn't have mortuaries
And so it was always customary
For the undertaker to do his job
And lay your kin out right there at home

Yeah, the church would loan you foldin' chairs
And you'd have visitation and everything right there
But when the nighttime came, you'd have to sit up with the dead
'Cause it wasn't right to leave them alone

Well, the last time I sat up was '65
When my old arthritic Uncle Fred died
He was 97, and so stooped over
The mortician couldn't straighten him out

They used a logging chain to hold him down
Covered that all up with a cape and a gown
And didn't tell nobody in the family
Cause that's the kind of stuff folks just don't wanna know about

Well, we were all sittin' there, it was three in the mornin'
And then there come up a cloud, a thunder, lightnin' and stormin'
Well that lightnin' flashed and that thunder clapped
And that chain 'round old Uncle Fred went snap
Rattled and fell to the floor with a thump
And Uncle Fred just sat right up. YEOW!

And I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
I don't know 'bout you
No, I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
No matter what you say or do
They say the dead can't hurt you 'cause they already left
But what they left can sure make it hurt yourself
And I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
Since the dead started sittin' up, too

Well, when Uncle Fred sat up, so did everyone there
And there came a great partin' of the foldin' chairs
And that preacher nearly knocked me down
He said, "Whoa, I'm headin' out that kitchen door!"

I hollered, "Fred, that kitchen ain't got no door in it!"
He said, "Don't worry son, it will have in a minute!"
And I ain't never seen so much
Jumpin' and shovin' before

And then somebody stepped on an old cat's tail
He let out a scream, a screech, a wail
And to say the least
That howl didn't help to calm the situation down

And then that lightnin' flashed and that house went black
And I spoke to my feet
I said, "Boys, make tracks!"
And I went through that screen door lickety split for town!

Well, I cut through the cemetery, fell in a hole
It was Uncle Fred's grave...It was dark and cold
Yeah, the town drunk dug it, and he dug it too deep
And unbeknownst to me, he's still in there asleep
And I'm scratchin' and jumpin' tryin to get out of that hole
And he woke up and said
"Might as well come over here and sit down beside me boy
Cause you ain't gettin' out of here tonight!"

But I did

And I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
I don't know 'bout you
No, I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
No matter what you say or do
They say the dead can't hurt you 'cause they already left
But what they left can sure make it hurt yourself
And I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
Since the dead started sittin' up, too

"Weren't no sense in anybody sittin' up with Uncle Fred, anyhow
Uncle Fred couldn't even sit up with his own self
Next time I'm just gonna send flowers! Yeah"