Trains
Performer(s): Reginald Gardiner



I have a theory about railway engines being bad tempered 
Well, when I say bad tempered, that's putting it mildly! 
They're actually livid, furious beasts and they loathe humanity 
So different from a ship, which is a sad, proud, graceful creature

You know, I can never understand why an engine driver isn't afraid of the monster he's in charge of, but he isn't! 
And when the train's about to leave, he pulls down a lever and this livid beast is unleashed 
Like this: Huhhh... huh... huh... huh... huhhh... huh... huh... huh... huh... huh... huh... and so forth, on it's journey

Well, now we've unleashed this livid beast, we find it's still equally furious 
and it has this colossal argument with the rails it's running on 
Like this: Biddlah-da, giddlah-da, diddley-dee, diddley-dah, diddley-dee, giddley-dah, giddley-duh... and that goes on the entire journey 
And, not only does it have a colossal argument with the rails it's running on, but also all the other rails when they dare to cross it's own 
Like this: Biddlah-duh, giddlah-duh, diddley-dee, diddley-dah, biddley-diddley-biddley-dee... and so on

Well, then we get out into the country and we come to a little rustic bridge spanning the railway 
It's quite inoffensive, this dear little bridge, but the engine can't bear anything within it's reach at all
so it shouts at the little bridge as it goes underneath 
Like this: Biddlah-dah, giddlah-dah, diddley-dee, diddley-dah, diddley-dee 
Haahhh, buddlah-dah, biddlah-dee, guddlah-dah

Incidently, talking about this argument with the rails, this diddlah-duh business 
I'm not a much travelled man, but I'm told this goes on all over the world, on all the different railways 
For instance, in France exactly the same thing takes place, only the language is different, you know 
Suddley-da, suddley na, suddley-da, suck-it-yourself, suddley-da, suddlah-dah... it's all much the same thing!

Speaking of France 
The first time I ever went there, I arrived at Calais and very close to the quayside I came across my first glimpse of a French engine 
I was vastly impressed, because it seemed to be four times as big and eight times as livid as any engine I'd ever seen before! 
To begin with, it had eight of everything, cow catchers and bells and everything but the kitchen stove hanging all over it
Added to which, it had a very bad tempered word written across the front 
It just said 'Nord', which I know is horrid to start with!
And it was a great pleasure to find I was allowed to do something in France that I'm not allowed to do in my own country 
Namely that I could walk across the line to get to the platform on the other side, instead of going over by that maddening bridge!

So I picked up my little bag and walked in front of this monster, cowering away from it 
And suddenly to my amazement, it let out an extraordinarily efffeminate voice 
It seemed to me to be so enormously masculine and yet, as it started on it's journey for Paris, all it managed to summon up was: 'Fah' 
Of course, I may be wrong about that, but it really does seem to me to be a little peculiar

Proceeding on our journey we find, from time to time, that we tear through certain wayside stations where no train has ever deigned to stop 
People have been standing, waiting on these stations for centuries, but the engine ignores them, shouting as it rushes past
Like this: Diddley-dah, diddley-dah, raahh, romm, waahh, diddley-da, diddley-da, diddley-da, diddley-da

Then, of course, in time we get to a manufacturing town 
Now when you get to these big towns, if you look out of the window, you'll notice some things called sidings 
on which a quite inexplicable thing called shunting takes place 
This, of course, is just an excuse on the part of the railway company to provide homes for old engines!
You see, there comes a time with an engine when it ceases to be virile and hearty and it just becomes long funnelled and tiresome 
So it's put on one of these sidings and given a lot of trucks to play with 
And, if you happen to have a bedroom anywhere near a siding 
you'll find that you're woken up very early in the morning by trucks taking umbridge 
And it goes like this: Huh... huh... huh... p-dink-dink, p-dank-donk, p-donk-dank, p-tink-donk-donk-donk-donk... to the far end 
And, of course, there's another old gentleman at the other end who decides to do the same thing and biffs them all back again 
And in this way, the railway company is carried on

Now there's one thing I must know before I die, and that's something that takes place in the tunnel outside Snowhill Station, Birmingham
You dash into the tunnel very fast and the brakes go on and you look out of the window 
and all down the tunnel at intervals are a lot of flare lights 
And in between these flare lights are men, standing!
They're leaning on shovels and pick-axes and golf clubs, or anything they can get hold of 
And these men, they live there... definitely!
And as you go slowly through the tunnel, an extraordinary noise starts at the far end and slowly crashes past the window 
I've no idea what it is, but it goes something like this: Brom-brom-brom-brom, durrum-durrum-durrum, aling-aling-aling-aling-aling 
I think it's a piece of tin which has been nailed to the side of the tunnel with some number on it 
or something that doesn't seem to mean anything to anybody 
And it's too big! And it strikes the side of the train as it goes through 
And, presumably, the men are merely there to bend the tin back, ready for the next train to hit it as it goes through the tunnel

Now, lastly, I'm going to tell you the one thing that an engine loathes more than anything else 
And that is another engine coming in the opposite direction 
That it cannot bear! 
And by this time, you'll have settled down having got quite used to the diddley-dum, diddley-dum nonsense and all other maddening noises 
when suddenly, to your horror, this new thing bursts upon you and nearly knocks you on the carriage floor 
It's the most frightening thing in the world and it goes something like this
Biddley-da, diddley-dum, diddley-dum, shaahhhhh, huddley-da, huddley-da, huddley-da!

Well folks, that's all... back to the asylum! Good night