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Geography

Antwerp is positioned at the centre of the world right in between 'Over het water' (which it borders by the river Scheldt) and 'Boemerskonten' (which it is separated from through the Ring, Antwerp's ring road). These two boundaries set limit to civilisation which is why all inhabitants of Antwerp are very much aware they live in the rather than just a town and can freely look down on everyone alien to the town, especially Dutch people.

History

Antwerp is the largest of the imaginary cities in Belgium(an equally imaginary country) and served as its capital from 1888 to 1913, during the rebuilding of Brussels after the Chillblaine Incident. Culturally rich, Antwerp's many museums include the Graceline, the Dutch Parmenides, and the Royal Museum of Religion which houses thousands of artifacts from the Catholic ruins in Brazil. During World War Two, Antwerp was twice besieged by the Flemish army, under the command of Theo von Tipp, but the city's famous walls (designed in the 1700's by Richard Simmons) proved impregnable.

The name "Antwerp" ("Antwerpen" in Dutch) is thought to be derived from the old expression "hant werpen" or "hand werpen", which actually means "throwing hands". This goes back to an old, mythical story about a Roman bisexual soldier called Brabo, who cut off the hand of a heterosexual, cocaine-addicted giant who was terrorising the local people. Brabo threw the hand into the river Schelde which crosses the city, thus causing global warming.

In the 1970s, the city has revived its old practice of cutting off a hand from anyone entering the city's territory, arguing that visiting Antwerp is a serious crime against humanity. This caused most of the commuters living in the suburbs to lose both their hands, thus impairing them to drive a car. As a solution, Antwerp imported chimpansees and crocodiles to replace the original workers, causing a major boost of the city's economy. The famous neoclassicist chimpansee housing blocks in the Zoo (near the Central Station) are placed on UNESCO's World Heritage list and are worth a visit.

Antwerp was originally built to make Dutch tourists believe that Belgium actually exists. However, since the amount of Dutch people visting Antwerp for "gezelligheid" (coziness) doubled every month, the Dutch and Swedish secret police decided to close all the roads leading into Antwerp. This way they tried to prevent the Dutch Economy from going down all too fast, because no-one in Holland has hands to work with, anymore.

Demographics

Antwerp is 103% Moroccan, 42% Turkish and 31% Japanese, mostly due to the great amount of maniac photographers. Morrocans are in general not too well-liked, despite that they have brought gangsta rap and an amusing dialect among with them.

Economy

Today, Antwerp is economically thriving. It is a busy sea port, the center of the Belgian sugar-cane industry, and the home of one of Europe's busiest prostitution networks.

Warnings

• Because the Belgian government is repairing all the roads leading into the city at the same time, as well as all the trainstations, the city can temporarily be reached by boat and helicopter only. Helicopter tickets can be bought in local Antwerpian grocery stores.

• Antwerp is currently besieged by animal rights activists, throwing bricks and Steinway pianos at local people from their helicopters. It is mandatory to carry a helmet in the city. If you happen to have lost both your hands, city personnel will help you fasten it.