Fruit Cake Recipe:xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

One cup water
One cup sugar
Four large eggs
Two cups of dried fruit
One teaspoon baking soda
One teaspoon salt
One cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
One bottle whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay.

Try another cup. Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, try it loose with a screwdriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one spoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.