20 Shocking Confessions Made By NASA Astronauts - PART I
NASA – the criminally underfunded agency that was put in place to sort of recklessly shoot people, dogs, and some monkeys off of the planet strapped to giant explosives, and into the dark reaches of the cosmos. Such a beautiful concept.
Since its inception, NASA has proven to be the very pinnacle of elite science, and as such chooses only the best samples from the human species to experience the wonders that space travel has to offer.
Seriously, is anyone else bitter that they’re not among that elite? It keeps us up at night on a regular basis.
So when NASA astronauts come out of the woodwork and make claims, revelations, and confessions they tend to be treated quite seriously. There’s a certain credibility to those claims that no-one else has.
Even if those claims include Lionel Richie suggesting on British daytime television that his good friend Buzz Lightyear (might have been Aldrin, we don’t hear so well these days) has confessed to him about extraterrestrial experiences, we sit up and listen.
Or sit up and head to the message boards.
Yep, most of these confessions are in some way related to the presence of aliens among us, but there are also some surprising revelations completely unconnected to little green men and their obsession with our human anuses.
Let’s kick off with Lionel Richie’s best friend.
20. SPACE BUREAUCRACY
You know how it is, you’re coming back from your vacation, you’ve been prodded and probed by the TSA, spent hours in a cramped cylinder, and then some jerk wants to check your luggage for customs purposes…and moon rocks.
That’s right, not satisfied that Buzz Aldrin was the 2nd man to step on the surface of the giant rock that hovers precariously over our heads affecting our tides and sanity, the US government had him fill out a customs form upon his return.
The forms, posted by Dance-Master Aldrin (official title) on twitter in 2015, show that he had to declare to Uncle Sam that he was returning to earth with “moon dust” and “moon rocks”. These days we’re more sophisticated, of course, and rather than declaring it to customs, people returning from vacation with rocks and dust just put them in condoms and keister them.
Aldrin got his own back, though, and put in an expenses claim for $33. Popular belief is this was for a car rental, but we’d like to think it was for tang and ladies of the night.
19. BOOT FULL OF PEE
Via nationalairandspace.si.edu
Buzz Aldrin can claim some amazing feats. Primary among them is convincing people to call him “Buzz” instead of “Edwin”. Kudos. That’s like convincing your friends to call you “Ninjashark” instead of “Norman”.
Aldrin has often boasted that while Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, he was the first to pee on it. Well now, we all assumed this was a nice, sanitary urination into some kind of colostomy bag – but with a more NASA name…cosmic pee sack?
No.
Turns out, because Armstrong’s landing was a little too good and failed to crumple the legs of the module as expected, he and Aldrin had to jump from a larger height than planned for. As a result, Aldrin’s pee tube disconnected from it’s housing and he wound up peeing in his boot.
That’s one squelchy step for a man…
18. THE GOVERNMENT IS AFRAID OF PANIC
If there’s one thing that science fiction has taught us, it’s that when faced with the possibility of extraterrestrial threat, the human race will tend to react in a unified manner. Unified, bat-crap crazy panic, possibly with a nice side of cannibalism. Hell, in real life, our species acts in that fashion when faced with the defeat of a sports team.
Gordon Cooper, former NASA astronaut and the face that UFO-philes point enthusiastically at when asked for evidence of extraterrestrial visitation, revealed that the government has been keeping aliens under wraps for this very reason.
Now, Cooper makes a lot of claims about UFOs, and if he weren’t a former astronaut, his credibility would be about as valuable as xxxxxx. But spaceman Cooper, who has also worked with the CIA, in an interview in 1995, revealed that the government cover-up we all assumed was happening (while adjusting our tin foil hats) is in fact a reality. When discussing a extraterrestrial landing that occurred in 1951, Cooper said, “I happen to know that the authorities did everything they could to keep this incident from the press and TV, just to prevent a panicky reaction.”
17. THE POPE KNOWS EVERYTHING!
Edgar Mitchell was the sixth man to walk on the moon – and no-one’s suggesting he was getting Armstrong’s sloppy seconds (more like slightly grubby sixths). Before he died in 2016, he made it something of a personal mission to out everything he could think of surrounding aliens…stuff that, once again, would sound crazy coming from anyone who hadn’t floated in a vacuum, sucking on vast quantities of artificially generated oxygen.
One of these topics of discussion revolved around one of only two men in the world who’s name can be suffixed by the word “mobile”. In an email to then-president Bill Clinton’s advisor, John Podesta, Mitchell wrote, “The Pope has knowledge of aliens out there who want to help humanity.”
Turns out he’s not talking to the same man who lives upstairs that Catholics think he is. At least these ones probably don’t mind if you use contraception.
16. UFO TRACKING IS A REAL LIFE JOB
Joseph A. Walker. Astronaut, test pilot, fierce proponent of the Stetson. Also, there exists no photo in which the man doesn’t look like a genuine badass. Go on, go look, we’ll wait.
Walker was NASA’s seventh astronaut, and was probably not the first only because they were reluctant to let him ride the rocket like a bucking bronco.
Appropriately enough, in 1962 he revealed that he had possibly the most awesome job aside from “extraterrestrial ray gun tester”: UFO spotter. During a fifty-fifty high flight in 1962 he estimated that he filmed five or six UFOs, though he refused to speculate on their nature. To date this footage has not been released to the public.
15. ARMS IN SPACE!
There are things you probably don’t really want to see when you’re floating around in the black void of space; zombies, Donald Trump, zombie Donald Trump. While it would probably be every astronaut’s dream to see an extraterrestrial craft, they likely wouldn’t want to see one with appendages reaching out from it. That crap is just terrifying to think of.
But NASA astronauts Ed White and James McDevitt revealed that in 1965, while they were drifting over Hawaii in the Gemini spacecraft, they spotted not just your standard UFO, but one that had mechanical arms sticking out from it.
McDevitt took footage of the object with a cine-camera, but once again NASA haven’t released it. Why is everyone leaking celebrity sex tapes, but no-one’s leaking any of this hardcore alien action?
14. MISSION CONTROL ASSUMES ASTRONAUTS ARE IDIOTS
We’re used to NASA, or some kind of shadowy government organization working NASA’s puppet strings, treating we mere civilians like the morons it thinks we are. That’s par for the course, no shock there. They might be right too, we made the Kardashians cultural icons, we can’t be relied upon to make intelligent observations.
But you would have thought they at the very least would treat their astronauts, the people who go through years of training to be elite space sailors, as though they might know what they’re talking about.
In 1965 Jim Lovell saw a UFO during their second orbit. When he reported it to mission control, they questioned his sighting, asking if he was actually seeing a discarded booster. Lovell advised them he could see the booster too, and somehow refrained from telling them he knew the difference between a booster and a f*$@&!g UFO.
Maybe they mistook Lovell for Forest Gump Tom Hanks instead of Apollo 13 Hanks. Rookie mistake.
13. WE DON’T KNOW WHERE ALIENS COME FROM
This one might be our fault for making assumptions. We can blame the movies too. You see, every piece of alien fiction where we go off in search of alien planets/technology/women-to-teach-how-to-make-love those in charge of the missions seem to have some idea of where the aliens call home. We’ve been safe in the knowledge that, even though they won’t admit it to us, the government knows that the aliens come from Alpha Laheugo IX or something, out there in the Crustacean system…whatever, the point is, they’ve made contact, and we know.
We don’t bloody know!
This revelation comes from our friend Edgar Mitchell, who when speaking to Britain’s Kerrang Radio said, “Have we been able to identify where the other planets are? No. Certainly not in our solar system.”
But who could blame extraterrestrials for not giving us their address? After all, would you really want earth people showing up at your planet, asking if you’ve “heard the good news”?
12. ALIENS VISIT GERMANY
Perhaps we’ve just been conditioned to think that aliens just mostly visit America. Or at least, they seem to crash there. Maybe America is just the extraterrestrial equivalent of the precarious mountain routes where drunk teenagers have drift road races. Either way, it seems that the wee green fellas like to take a trip to Germany too.
While NASA astronaut Gordon Cooper was stationed in Germany in 1953, he was apparently subjected to frequent UFO sightings. In an interview in 1988, he said he would see strange metallic saucer-shaped objects in the sky for consecutive nights, and that they certainly weren’t indigenous to earth.
See, everyone loves bratwurst.
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