As time goes by, I am beginning to realise that I am waking up in my old age. A strange rebirth, you might say. But after a profound life experience and the subsequent helpless wake in the form of a certain hopelessness or perspective, I was forced, as my darkness persisted or lasted too long, to take action to discern some light.
It is the time and the inner needs to see what and how next. I think seeing the inner needs and the mental and the possibilities of the body and limbs are pushing to listen or look for answers/exits.
When I looked around I saw that I was at the same level as people my age. There was a sense that the phase I was in was clearly similar to others of my age or situation. Even stronger was the call, still unconscious, for others to confront me in words and gestures with the recognition that we were in the same boat. While these aspects of life occur at all ages, I am now discovering that growing older also means/learns an awareness of this time. Changing things you used to push away. In old age, changes occur that follow the same path as in earlier stages of life, but have their own special character. In the case of losses or setbacks in younger stages of life, there is often still the mental hope of a perspective, or the longing for one. And a real future (I know despair at other ages).
At my current stage, I have to make do with the end of prospects and also a decline in strength in some areas.
Now you'll say, yes....you've known that for a long time anyway, but events in the environment, the ageing of children, the growing up of grandchildren and the death of loved and unloved ones are increasingly entering the consciousness of the new "being".
I have to admit that for a long time I have let my inner childhood play in my mind. Too long I don't know, but well ,,,, so be it.
As I become more aware of all that is important in the present, my interest in my old profession seems to be returning and I am learning to look at what is happening to me in a different way. I am learning/discovering how to look at myself and my surroundings.
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Ik ben , en gebruik soms ook wel de schuilnaam Julius V.E. Dreyfsandt zu Schlamm.
