In my subconscious, I have to carry piles of archives. One day is a drop in the ocean, no exaggeration. It seems to me to be made up of chaotic layers.
Of knowledge and feelings, let us say all the ups and downs, innumerable experiences are interwoven in body and mind up to the moment of the present and I seem to be already far into my time, I dare not say how far, but I can already say that my image is slowly decaying or quasi immortalised after the still unknown last moment.
I admit that I don't need to write a memoir, it would be a sum of virtues that would remain with a smile. There are blind spots, too. But people are used to denying them.
Of course they will surface somewhere.
Besides, not long after my deepest sigh, all of the present will disappear from me and everyone else, or be absorbed into a rumour, individual or otherwise, or a commonplace, perhaps with a watered-down photograph.
The thing is, having come this far, at least in years, and this is called modesty, I seem to be part of something I cannot know, so big and wide, but I do not feel like denying myself.
Yet I do not have a complete picture of myself. Nor have I ever really known myself.
I am passing from something to an indeterminate nothingness, from being to oblivion. And where no one takes precedence or stands out from the other.
It is in a fit of complete contentment that I make this observation.
The earthly is often addicted to power and honour.
Or surviving to oppress
Surely I too have known much happiness and pain
and therefore now know of my relative insignificance.
This is a real relief, and I say this only once.
... Thoughts in old age. ...
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Ik ben , en gebruik soms ook wel de schuilnaam Julius V.E. Dreyfsandt zu Schlamm.
