A Job Well Done
Gary Hogg
Me seventh birthday wed a party at wor house
For eight kids from my class
We had charades and cheese, scones and jelly
And this bloke* came to cut off the gas
Now me* dad*, like you know, has corned beef in one lug*
Cut the grass is what he thought he had said
It was Bob-a-Job' week* and Dad being generous
Said "Sorry, bonny lad*, go ahead"
This long mac* smelt of stagnant old floorcloths
He didnt look nowt* like a scout
Nee* short pants, nee berry*, nee badges,nee woggle*, nee nowt*
He went into the cupboard under the stairs
Me Da looks and says "Mind your head,
If youre looking for the mower weve not got one,
Youll have to use clippers instead"
But the bloke seemed to manage with the tools that he had
A pair of pliers and a big rusty spanner
Me father reached deep in his pocket
And fetched outa couple of tanners*
For when me Ma* went to make me Dads* dinner that night
she noticed the gas wasnt on
Cos* his chips were still white after nearly an hour
So he had to have jelly and scones
when he complained me mother went mad
thought she was going to kill
smacked him round the head with the chip pan
Cos it was his job to pay all the bills
next morning I got up for working off school
couldnt get out the back door
Cos me father had his head in the gas oven
his legs stretched out over the floor
I had to climb over to get meself out
Cos he hadnt left over much space
I got him a cushion to put under his head
Cos he was getting like a ridge on his face
Id to help me Mam make the dinner that night
Even though I wasnt too keen*
She was still in a huff* on account of the gas
And of course me father was nowhere to be seen.
she was heating up peas in a kettle
And I had to stand up a height
And I was browning the top of a big shepherds pie
By holding it under the light
that night after tea
Ma sat on the piano stool
In the place where the piano once stood
she was humming Rachmaninovs piano concerto
as close to C minor as she could
It was then that we noticed the piano had gone
Cos it should have been stood standing there
Ive selt * it to pay that daft * gas bill says dad.
She says " Ill go to the foot of our stairs!"
He says "Dont get yer liberty bodice in a twist,*
Its at the pawnshop on Bollingbrook Street,
Ill be up there to pay for it on Friday
And he proved it by showing the receipt
She got up from the stool in a temper*
I thought she was going to hit him some more
Cos she picked up her banjo by the thin end
But he was saved by a knock at the door
It was the boy scout in the long mac and the pliers stood there
me dad said Mind, this Boy Scouts willing'
He said "You see if you can sort out me gas, son,
Ill see if I can find you a shilling"
So that night it was all peace and quiet
Me ma, me dad just sat there
Listening to Billy Cotton on the wireless
me da suddenly jumps out of his chair.
He said "That bloody Boy Scouts an imposter!,
he said : Ive just been sat here working out,
That buggers* done me for two shillings,
And we never got a sticker nor nowt!
Bloke : (man)
me: (my)
dad: (father)
lug: ( The ear, or its lobe. [Scot. & Prov. Eng.] expression : a bit deaf )
Bob a job week: ( Bob a Job week : Scouts went door to door offering to do household chores for a shilling)
bonny lad :(nice boy)
mac :(raincoat)
nowt :(nothing)
Nee :(no)
berry :(beret)
nowt :(nothing)
tanners :( tanner - a small coin of the UK worth six pennies; not minted since 1970)
ma :(mother)
da: (father)
cos: (because)
keen: ( eager )
in a huff : (angry-annoyed)
the fella : (fellow - man)
selt : (sold)
daft : (stupid)
to get one's liberty bodice in a twist: British Slang. to get flustered or agitated
liberty bodice : a boneless training corset for young girls from 1908.
buggers : ( Slang- A contemptible or disreputable person)
woggle: Boy Scout"s neckerchief clasp or slide
temper: state of feeling; "angry in a bad mood"