A Job Well Done

Gary Hogg

Me seventh birthday we’d a party at wor house
For eight kids from my class
We had charades and cheese, scones and jelly
And this bloke* came to cut off the gas

 
Now me* dad*, like you know, has corned beef in one lug*
‘Cut the grass’ is what he thought he had said
It was ‘Bob-a-Job' week* and Dad being generous
Said "Sorry, bonny lad*, go ahead"

This long mac* smelt of stagnant old floorcloths
He didn’t look nowt* like a scout
 Nee* short pants, nee berry*, nee badges,nee woggle*, nee nowt*

He went into the cupboard under the stairs
Me Da looks and says "Mind your head,
If you’re looking for the mower we’ve not got one,
You’ll have to use clippers instead"

But the bloke seemed to manage with the tools that he had
A pair of pliers and a big rusty spanner
Me father reached deep in his pocket
And fetched outa couple of tanners*

For when me Ma* went to make me Dad’s* dinner that night
she noticed the gas wasn’t on
Cos* his chips were still white after nearly an hour
So he had to have jelly and scones

when he complained me mother went mad
thought she was going to kill
smacked him round the head with the chip pan
Cos it was his job to pay all the bills

next morning I got up for working off school
couldn’t get out the back door
Cos me father had his head in the gas oven
his legs stretched out over the floor

I had to climb over to get  meself out
Cos he hadn’t left over much space
I got him a cushion to put under his head
Cos he was getting like a ridge on his face

I’d to help me Mam make the dinner that night

Even though I wasn’t too keen*
She was still in a huff* on account of the gas
And of course me father was nowhere to be seen.

she was heating up peas in a kettle
And I had to stand up a height
And I was browning the top of a big shepherds pie
By holding it under the light

that night after tea

Ma sat on the piano stool
In the place where the piano once stood
she was humming Rachmaninov’s piano concerto
as close to C minor as she could

It was then that we noticed the piano had gone
Cos it should have been stood standing there

“I’ve selt * it to pay that daft * gas bill” says dad.

She says " I’ll go to the foot of our stairs!"

 He says "Don’t get yer liberty bodice in a twist,*
It’s at the pawnshop on Bollingbrook Street,

I’ll be up there to pay for it on Friday”

And he proved it by showing the receipt

She got up from the stool in a temper*
I thought she was going to hit him some more
Cos she picked up her banjo by the thin end
But he was saved by a knock at the door

It was the boy scout in the long mac and the pliers stood there
me dad said ‘Mind, this Boy Scout’s willing'
He said "You see if you can sort out me gas, son,
I’ll see if I can find you a shilling"

So that night it was all peace and quiet
Me ma, me dad just sat there
Listening to Billy Cotton on the wireless

me da suddenly jumps out of his chair.

He said "That bloody Boy Scout’s an imposter!,
he said : “I’ve just been sat here working out,
That bugger’s* done me for two shillings,
And we never got a sticker nor nowt!

Bloke :  (man)

me:     (my)

dad:    (father)

lug: ( The ear, or its lobe. [Scot. & Prov. Eng.]   – expression : a bit deaf )

‘Bob a job week’: ( Bob a Job week : Scouts went door to door offering to do household chores for a shilling)

bonny lad :(nice boy)

mac :(raincoat) 

nowt :(nothing)

Nee :(no)

berry :(beret)

nowt :(nothing)

tanners :( tanner - a small coin of the UK worth six pennies; not minted since 1970)

ma :(mother)

da: (father)

cos: (because)

keen: ( eager )

in a huff : (angry-annoyed)

the fella : (fellow - man)

selt : (sold)

daft : (stupid)

“to get one's liberty bodice in a twist”:  British Slang. to get flustered or agitated

liberty bodice : a boneless ‘training corset’ for young girls from 1908.

bugger’s : ( Slang-  A contemptible or disreputable person) 

woggle: Boy Scout"s neckerchief clasp or slide

temper:  state of feeling; "angry” “in a bad mood"